amaya-chan666

Ten different things you wish you could say to ten different people right now.

1. I still think you treat me badly sometimes, but I will never resent you. You've taught me how to be stronger and my own person. I love you.
2. SO WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS AGAIN KAY.<3
3. I wish you could be more supportive of my decisions, even when they aren't what you agree with.
4. It's been years but I can't help but wonder how you're doing. You okay?
5. I can't believe I fell for your shit as hard as I did. I see now you're nothing but a manipulative, selfish, insane bitch.
6. I used to idolize you but now I see you're no better than everyone else.
7. You should've just hit me, cunt.
8. When I see you next we're going to spend quality time together. I should know you better.
9. You two need to sort your shit out and stop reminding me of why I left my mom's house in the first place. If you're going to scream, go UPSTAIRS.
10. I wish you knew when to back off.

Nine things about yourself.

1. I clean when I'm upset/arguing with someone. Seriously, yell at me hard enough and the place will sparkle.
2. I bite my nails until they bleed. Nervous habit.
3. I can't cook. Anything.
4. I'm a tattoo fanatic but I've yet to get any myself.
5. I can't go a day without my cell phone or best friend, Mary Jane.
6. In a spiteful rage about a year ago I taught myself how to do makeup. Still picking up a few things, of course.
7. I hated my A&W job but did ridiculous things for it, like scaling a 25ft barbed wire fence to retrieve keys.
8. I will never remove my tongue piercing, unless it starts screwing up my tongue or teeth. I love it.<3
9. I don't dot my i's or j's when I write by hand.

Eight ways to win your heart.

1. Good cook.
2. Originality.
3. Great sense of humor.
4. The ability to laugh at yourself.
5. The ability to actually confide in me.
6. Thoughtfulness.
7. Honesty.
8. Intelligence.

7 things that cross your mind a lot.

1. Joel.
2. Babies.
3. Weight.
4. The people I don't talk to anymore.
5. Revelstoke.
6. Not being able to make rent.
7. Tattoos.
8. Work.
9. Self-harm.
10. MUSIC.<3

6 things you wish you never did.

1. all dem pills.
2. Binge/purge. (year in recovery)
3. Start smoking. (but I quit now!)
4. Start my 7 year SI event.
5. Piss off my BEST friends.
6. Push people away that I should have kept close.

Five turn offs.

1. Bad teeth.
2. Greasy hair/skin.
3. Arrogance.
4. Ignorance.
5. Homophobia.

Four turn ons.
1. those winter eyes.<3
2. Amazing food.
3. His smell and smile.
4. Pixie-esque girls.

Three smileys that describe your life.

1. 8D
2. :/
3.

^Those still work. xD

Two things you want to do before you die.

1. Get all the tattoos I've planned and more.
2. Own Toxic Vision clothing.

Travelling the world would still be nice too.

One confession.
1. I've fucked up a lot over the last few years. My confession is this: I don't know why everyone in my life is still in it, I don't deserve it, but I'm extremely grateful. Thank you.<3

Long story short: Jordan and I have broken up. I don't want to go into details via dA, but that's about all you have to know.

Umm… What else. Nothing else has happened, really. School mornings suck, but I get to spend time with Joel all afternoon most days (he's in my Social class and I have a period 5 spare since I dropped CALM), so at least there's that :] Work's been good even though I got written up for texting on the floor. Mikey was all "I'd rather not lose you at all, but if you're going to get fired don't let it be for something stupid like that." I laughed, she laughed. It was good xD

I went to a party with my lovely Bronte and Joel on Friday night, and wound up drinking. Of course xD Nothing bad happened, though. Bronte became 'Princess Lucky' for a good hunk of the night (she had a helmet made from a case of Lucky beer), and I was in Holden's apartment with Joel for a lot of it too. We both got sick, see Other than that I've just been working a lot, and things like that.

The weather is finally getting nice here.. Took it long enough. Still windy as shit, though, but I guess that's just how it is, eh? Ah, well…

"Two hookers and an eightBAALL… Can you believe that I WRITE. THIS. SHIT?" ;D

Happy April Fool's Day ;D

Things have been going relatively well with my move! Really, things couldn't be better :] I have some kickass friends, and I really couldn't care less about the Revelstokians that were picking fights with me. Haven't heard from them in a while, haven't given them a second thought in longer.

I MISS YOU CLOE <3333

Jordan's in Europe, gets back on... The fifth, I believe :] I miss him lots and lots too. Hope he's having a blast, and he'd better be taking tonnes of pictures with Larry x3

I has a job here, too! I'm working at HMV mostly doing stock. It's super easy and fun, and the discounts on music/movies/books/TV shows is a superb bonus. I've found birthday/Christmas gifts for practically everyone I know there

I've been spending massive chunks of time watching TV, and I should probably stop doing that >.> ... It's addictive! AND I BOUGHT GLEE ON DVD. How could I *not* watch TV?!

... >.>... <.<...

Yeah. I'ma go now.

<3

Before you make that first cut, remember--

You will find the blood and pain release addictive.

Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily--

They will get deeper.

They will scar.

They will take sometimes months to heal.

And years for the scars to fade.

If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again.

It will spread when you run out of skin.

Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.

Even if you are the most honest person ever to live--

You will find yourself lying to the people you love.

You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.

You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth ofyour shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.

Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be.

Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.

Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting--

Cutting and covering up cutting.

And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep."

And you freak out because the blood won't stop...

And you are gasping...

And you feel yourself shaking all over.

You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can`t tell anyone.

So you sit there alone...

Praying it will be okay--

Swearing you'll never let it go this far again...

But you will, and further....

Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.

And the better you get at treating your cuts,

The deeper they get.

You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20, 30, or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.

You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order.

Butterfly strips--

3 or 4 different kinds of dressings...

Antibiotic cream...

Medical tape...

Scar reducers...

You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.

And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice--

Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies.

Someone who understands--

But of course that never happens.

Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on.

Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe--

Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots...

The list goes on and on.

You will start looking at everyone in a different way.

Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI.

Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone.

You wont even think about it,

As your eyes scan their wrists arms.

Hoping, just hoping they will be like you.

But they aren't.

You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.

You will start doing a lot of things by yourself.

You will always have to wash your laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.

You will always be cleaning up the blood.

Scrubbing your bathroom floor.

Wiping the blood off your keyboard.

You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting.

Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.

When you get really desperate,

Anything will be a cutting tool...

Scissors...a car key...a needle...a paperclip...even a pen.

Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.

Say goodbye to things you took for granted.

Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops.

A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.

Get ready to itch.

Because you will itch and itch.

So much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.

You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.

You will dream about cutting.

You will dream about being exposed.

It will haunt you day and night and take over your life.

You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting--

At the same time you love it and cannot live without it.

--

My two cents. Think about it..

Ten different things you wish you could say to ten different people right now.

1. I love you, and don't you know it~
2. I miss you more than you know.
3. How can you be so fucking oblivious to what's wrong with me?
4. Twinkledick, twinkledick, does whatever a twinkledick does...
5. When I come back, we need to spend more time together.
6. I used to idolize you.
7. I wish you'd get hit by a train and then dragged for miles and miles before you died, so you could know a fraction of the pain you caused me.
8. If you two split up, I'd go with you.
9. I need you to listen for once.
10. I'm finally done with you and your bullshit.

Nine things about yourself.

1. I'm pretty shy, especially when it comes to new people.
2. I bite my nails pretty badly, but not as bad as Jordan.
3. I am lonely and homesick in this new city.
4. I long to be in Jordan's arms again, and it hurts that it might be months before I see him.
5. I'm a shit student.
6. I'm getting my first tattoo in October.
7. I want to get a vertical labret, but probably never will.
8. I find tongue piercings to be retardedly attractive.
9. My favorite color is purple.

Eight ways to win your heart.

1. Kindness.
2. Respect for me and my friends.
3. Love.
4. Humor.
5. The ability to actually confide in me.
6. Thoughtfulness.
7. Honesty.
8. Intelligence.
9. Common interest with me.
10. Morality.

7 things that cross your mind a lot.

1. Jordan.
2. Weight.
3. Body image.
4. My blogs.
5. Revelstoke, and all my friends back there.
6. Not being able to make rent.
7. Loneliness.
8. The book I'm reading.
9. Self-harm.
10. Bitchy city kids.

6 things you wish you never did.

1. Date Lance, but at the same time it was probably good for me.
2. Gain weight.
3. Start smoking.
4. Start my 4 year SI event.
5. Piss Sara off.
6. Push people away that I should have kept close.

Five turn offs.

1. Lance D8
2. Greasy skin.
3. Arrogant dickheads.
4. Ignorance.
5. Stupid stuck-up city girls.

Four turn ons.
1.--
2.--
3.--
4.--

Only Jordan needs to know that, and he does x3

Three smileys that describe your life.

1. 8D
2. :/
3.

Two things you want to do before you die.

1. Be truly happy.
2. Travel the world.

One confession.
1. I wish I was a very beautiful, thin, happy girl.